I Couldn't Stay Away

Hello,

It's been a while since I signed off this blog and while I still agree with all of my reasons to stop writing, I have really missed expressing myself here and being in touch with those of you who stop by to share your thoughts and experiences.  I feel like I walked away from my support group and I really miss you all.  So I'm back and I'll write whenever I have something to say so the emotions don't just bottle up inside, where they aren't doing me any good.

My sons and I have been fine over the past few months.  Honestly, the boys are doing well.  I'm just fine.  Dylan now has his learner's license and drives most places we go.  Austin loved driving and that love has totally been passed on to his son.  Aidan started guitar lessons in the fall and he is loving every minute of it, sharing his Dad's passion for music and the guitar.  They have both signed on for an exciting sailing adventure next summer, continuing their love of sailing. And while they both continue to find their Dad in themselves, they also continue to develop as two unique and delightful individuals who have their own passions, great senses of humour and compassion for others.  They also continue to be normal teenagers in every sense of the word!  Austin would be as proud of them as I am, and as exasperated at times :) 

I continue to be busy with only parenting, working full time, being a part time student and trying to keep our house in order.  I also try to be a supportive family member and friend, which I'm not very good at these days.  I tend to not have much extra energy to devote to being a friend and the expectation seems to be that I'm back to "normal" and can just pick up where I left off.  But for the most part I can't and I don't have the time or energy to find a new normal.  I tend to be anti-social these days, which probably isn't great for me but I'm doing what I can with the limited time I have available.

We went away for Christmas to my sister's in Edmonton; it was fun to be in a city for the first time over the holidays.  There were lots of things to keep us busy and we had a nice Christmas.  Then my sister and I went to New Orleans for New Years and as a belated celebration of her birthday.  New Year's Eve 2011 would have been mine and Austin's 16th anniversary and I wanted to do something fun and different on the day.  I really couldn't afford to go away and I'll be paying for the trip for quite a while but I went and I enjoyed my time away with my sister, discovering a city that is recovering from its own tragedy.  Like New Orleans, I am healing.  It's been almost three years, but I'm making a little progress towards the future.

When we went to Hawaii with my family for Christmas 2009, the year Austin died, I was simply going through the motions and I spent New Years Eve under the covers of my hotel bed.  I wanted to go to Margaritaville (Austins favorite singer was Jimmy Buffett but he never did get the opportunity to go to Margaritaville) but I couldn't bare the thought of being there with anyone so I went for a short visit by myself one afternoon.  I had a mini anxiety attack but I was there for a few minutes and actually bought a few souvenirs.  Fast forward two years to New Orleans.  My sister and I went to Margaritaville together and we had dinner there on what would have been my anniversary.  It was great food and the atmosphere was fun - Austin would have loved it!  We then went to the store and I bought more souvenirs.  I enjoyed my time there, but by the end of dinner and shopping I had a mini anxiety attack and just needed to be by myself for a while.  After some solo time in the hotel room just being alone with my thoughts and memories, we walked a block down crazy Bourbon Street and  we went down to the Mississippi River for midnight.  I had fun,  which was a lot more than I had three years ago on my first anniversary without Austin. 

 But as I reflect on the trip and the last few months, I realize that I'm still not living life in full colour.  When Austin died, the colour drained away from my life and everything became black and white.  As the first and second years passed, muted pastel colours started to very gradually seep into my field of view.  Smiles and laughter eventually came back in small doses and the boys and I continued to live our new existence with the big black hole of Austin's absence always around.  The black hole has reduced in size a little but the colours of my life are still muted.  Nothing is ever great or excellent.  Things are fine, even good at times, but never over-the-top wonderful.  And that makes me sad.  I was in a wonderful city with my wonderful sister and yet Austin's absence clouded my experience there.  He would have loved New Orleans and I would have had a wonderful time with him there.  I only had a good time with my sister, through no one's fault.  I tried to feel wonderful but it just wouldn't come. 

So what's the point of trying to find wonderful?  I feel like I've reached the peak of reinserting colour into my life after Austin's death.  I can't see it getting better than this.  Living without Austin means I'm stuck with fine and good.  When he died, great, excellent and wonderful went with him.  But I'm choosing to be grateful for fine and good and nice.  Because those things are still positive in my life and to be honest, I don't feel like I have room for great, excellent and wonderful.  Vibrant colours in my life would overwhelm me right now.  Maybe one day they'll find their way back into my world....

I hope that 2012 brings all of us a little bit of colour and wonderful.  We all deserve a little joy, if we can figure out how to find it.