Only Parenting

Hello out there.  Yes, I'm still here.  Life is still a whirlwind as we wind down the school year and wind up the yard work now that summer has arrived.  Grief is still my constant companion but it has become more manageable on a daily basis.  I miss him when I wake up and wish he was beside me as I get ready to face the day.  I miss him all day long, as I go about my  life.  And I miss him when I go to bed, when I really would like to talk to him, to debrief our day, to feel his arms around me and just wrap ourselves in that private time that I miss so much.  But lately I've realized that missing all of these things is becoming bearable.  The stabbing pain that used to accompany all of the memories and the physical craving that would literally ooze from my being have become muted.  It doesn't mean that I miss him any less but the pain has become endurable.  The grief is like a companion that is proof of his existence, of our our love and our life.

What has been overwhelming lately is being an only parent, raising my two terrific sons without their Dad.  It could be because Father's Day is almost upon us, and I can literally see my sons cringe every time they see a commercial about the upcoming dreaded day.  It could be that our youngest son turns 13 on Thursday, and birthdays without Austin are paradoxically sad and joyful.  But mostly I think it's because I'm feeling inadequate.  Being a parent with patience and wisdom is very difficult, even when the other parent is beside you.  Being an only parent of two teenaged boys is feeling overwhelming these days.  I desperately miss Austin's parenting voice, the other half of the partnership who both decided on our wedding night that we were ready to be parents.  We were a great parenting partnership and he was a wonderful, hands on Dad.  He did everything, he loved every stage the boys were at and he jumped in with both feet from the very beginning.  He was the expert at "boyhood".  He knew boys, because he had been one, obviously.  But then he left.  And parenting without him is so damn lonely.

Don't get me wrong.  I have great kids.  But they're normal kids.  And I really miss the partnership, the sounding board relationship, the good cop/bad cop roles of team parenting with Austin.  I don't like the fact that the buck always stops with me, and only me.  My sons are loved by lots of wonderful family and friends, but no one loves kids like their parents.  Austin was the only other person on the planet who felt the same way I do about them.  He was the only person who knows them in the way I do.  And I just miss that in a deep, primal, overwhelming way.

Like most other things in this new life, there is no solution, only venting to release some of the pressure.  In the core of my being, I know that my kids will be ok.  I know that I have or will screw them up in some way, but I have or will bring much more positive to their lives than negative.  They will grow into amazing young men.  But this journey of only parenting teenage boys is extremely lonely and stressful.  And amazingly rewarding and joyful.   Talk about a double edged sword...