Motherhood

Our first day as parents

Our youngest son talking to his Dad

My three guys, walking on the beach

The last picture taken of my three guys, on Austin's birthday, 16 days before he died

I wanted to have children, to be a mother, for as long as I can remember.  I chose my career because it would be compatible with family life.  When Austin and I first became friends, we talked about wanting to be parents.  We didn't know then that we would accomplish this dream together.  After we started dating and our relationship became serious, we talked more about having kids.  I know that one of the reasons I fell in love with him was because he was great with kids and I knew he would be a wonderful Dad.  When we decided to get married, we agreed we would try to start having kids immediately after the wedding.  It wasn't even something we had to discuss because we just knew.  We were both anxious to finally fulfill our dreams of parenthood.

Nine months later, Dylan was born and 21 months later, Aidan was born.  I was a Mom, Austin was a Dad, and our lives were complete.  Parenthood was, and is, exciting, exhausting, sweet, stressful, exhilarating, worrying, and wonderful.  It is everything I'd imagined and so much more.  And I was incredibly grateful to share the adventure with Austin.  Our two boys are the greatest gifts we ever gave each other.  I love them more than I could ever describe in words.  And despite the incredibly difficult grief journey I'm on now, I wouldn't change a thing about our family's life because it produced two amazing young men.  Their Dad would be so proud to see the amazing human beings that they are.  And I am so proud to be their Mom.

Thank you my sweet boys, for being here, so I can be your Mom.  It is my honour and my privilege to travel with you on this journey and to help you grow into the amazing men you are.

And thank you Austin, for the greatest gifts we could have ever given each other.  I am not the same mother I was when our boys were born, or even just before you died.  Grief has forged me into a new version of myself, but hopefully this new mother is able to combine the best of the naive "before" mother with the best of the "after" mother.  I love them even more fiercely, because I'm loving for both of us.  I worry more deeply, because I know what tragedy feels like.   I laugh deeper and find humour in the little things, because I know how valuable that lightness is for our souls.  I talk to them about the difficult, life changing stuff, to make sure that their hearts and souls are healing, though with the obvious scars.  I count on them to help more around the house while still making sure they have kid time, which is developing their sense of responsibilities and their abilities.  I am nurturing the talents and passions they have, some which come from you, and me, and some that are their very own.  This new mother is doing her very best to be the best parent I can be for our boys.  Motherhood is still the gift I knew it would be.  It's just turned out differently than I thought it would, like so many things in this life...

Our tenth anniversary, on the beach in Cuba