Spring

Spring has finally come to our area of the world.  The melt is causing flooding everywhere, but thankfully our sump pump is working and is keeping our basement dry.  We do have a lake in our backyard, but hopefully we'll get some warm weather soon to evaporate the extra water.  Today was warm enough that we didn't wear jackets outside and after school we spent time cleaning out the van.  I decided that the weather was so nice (for us -  for some of you it would still be a little cold!), that I would barbeque supper.  I sat outside for a few minutes, smelling the food on the barbeque, listening to the birds singing in the trees and enjoying sitting on deck furniture for the first time since September.  It was wonderful.  And then the wave of grief came, as I thought about how much I wished Austin was sitting beside me, and how much he would have loved the moment.  For a few seconds I was caught in wonder about how I would actually be able to survive a spring without him.  And then I realized that in fact this would be my third spring without him.  My third!  The grief doesn't feel any smaller than it did on that first spring without him, weeks after he died.  The only difference is that I know I will survive.  And this year, I'm betting we will even have some fun along the way. 

Three springs without my love.  I miss him as desperately as ever, which really hits me hard during the quiet times.  Quiet times make room for the grief to peak through, along with the sweet memories.   During quiet moments this spring, I'm being reminded that grief feels just as bad and I miss him just as much, but now I know we will survive.  It still amazes me that life goes on without him, but it does.