My Rings

Just over two weeks ago, on the second year anniversary of Austin's death, I took off my wedding and engagement rings for the first time.  I'd been thinking about it for many months, but it never felt like the right time.  For a long time after Austin died I still felt married and the rings connected me to him.  They symbolized our love for each other and our commitment to each other and our family.  But lately, the rings felt wrong, like I was lying to myself and the world around me.  Occasionally I'd meet someone new at work, or checking out at a store and they'd say, "what a beautiful ring" or "what does your husband do?" and I'd get a pang of grief stabbing me right in the heart.  Many times over the past months, during my day, I'd look down at my hand and think about the sweet days I got both of my rings, and my heart would ache.  That's when I knew that the comfort I was getting from my rings was not outweighing the pain they were causing me.   So I decided that on the second anniversary I would take them off. And I did, privately, and with sweet words and remembrance.   But I didn't talk to anyone about it because I wasn't sure if I would keep them off.  For the first day, I wore my diamond ring on my right hand to keep it close, but it didn't feel right, so I put it away with my wedding ring.  My left hand felt naked so I moved the beautiful ring that Austin carved for me many years ago from my right hand (where it's been since 1997) to my left hand.  And it strangely feels right.

I will always love him and I would give anything to have him back, but the truth that I've come to realize is that I am no longer married.  I am a widow.  He is not coming back, and wearing my wedding rings don't make him any more real.  In fact, I had reached a point where they made me feel worse.  They lost their ability to comfort me, so it was time to put them away.  I may bring them out every once in a while to wear again, if I feel I need or want to, but today I feel more at peace wearing the ring Austin made me on my left hand.  Our wedding rings and my engagement rings (there are two - it's a bit of a story) are put away as touchstones when I need them and for my boys when they get to that stage in their lives, if they want them.  I oddly feel at peace with this, which I've come to learn means it is the right time to make this change.

It has been said before that the one constant in life is change, and that remains true in widowhood.  Finding the time when change feels right, or when staying the same is more uncomfortable than changing has been the key to making change that works for me.   For me, this is just one more step into the future, but not one more step away from him.  He's still with me and cheering me on.  I sure wish it was in person...