Happy Birthday

Today is Austin's birthday.  He would have been 59.  He was 15 years older than I, and he appeared to be younger he was.  He was 44 and 46 when our kids were born and he was thrilled to finally be a Dad.  He used to joke with the boys that they needed to get married in their early 20's so he would be able to enjoy being a Grandpa, due to his age.  But he always said he was going to live to be 100...

Last year we spent his birthday the way we spend every weekday, going to work and school.  We talked about his birthday but since he wasn't here to celebrate it didn't dawn on me that we should take time to do whatever seemed right.  Last year my mind was completely focused on March 20th, the one year anniversary of his death.  I was planning a small get together with good friends to remember Austin and share memories and honour the day he left our lives.  But his birthday unexpectedly hit me very hard.  I remember being at school and holding back a wall of grief all day, while tears leaked out in moments I was alone to relieve the building pressure.  When I got home that day, I let it all out in a major sobfest.  He wasn't there to celebrate the day he was born, and I was devastated.   I was also surprised that it hit me so hard since I didn't think I could miss him any more than I already did.

This year, year two,  we are approacing March 4th and March 20th differently.  Today, I have taken the day off work and pulled the kids out of school.  We are going to celebrate Austin's birthday in a low key way, by going skiing.  I wanted to get away and not just sit around the house but it needed to be somewhere close by that wasn't going to cost a lot of money.  So we'll go to a small, local ski hill where Austin spent some fun days over the years skiing with the students (including our sons) from our school.  Getting outside and away from home will be good, I hope, for all three of us.  My sister and dear friends are joining us.  We'll raise glasses of scotch in a toast to Austin tonight  (very small glasses since I don't appreciate scotch nearly as much as he did)  and remember all the blessings that he brought to our lives just by being him.  March 20th will be spent very low key this year, probably with me under the covers for much of the Sunday morning. 

We've decided we don't want to focus on the day he died, but the day he was born.  It's fairly easy since the days are fairly close together.  And this year it feels right to focus on his life, not on his death. 

Which leads me to wonder, what is the best way to honour the life of someone we love who has died?  The first Father's Day we wrote on balloons and released them into the sky, symbolically sending him messages to heaven.  We've had social gatherings, toasts and shared stories when we spread his ashes and later when we remembered the one year anniversary of his death.  I've written to commemorate certain dates, on this blog, in journal and in cards that I've bought for Austin.  We've toasted him with champagne on our anniversary.  I've bought myself the same chocolates that he bought me on our first Valentine's Day.  We've watched video of him to hear his voice and see his body in motion and relive sweet memories, like the arrival of our babies.  But I never feel like I've completely honoured him in a way that feels complete.  I want a definitive way of honouring my dead husband, one that makes me feel like we've done it right.   But I've come to realize that a right way of honouring him doesn't exist.  Because in the end, he's still dead.

So we're off to do our best today, to honour the day he was born and the blessings he brought to our lives.

And I'm wondering, have any of you done anything on those special days that come around to honour your loved one which you'd like to share?

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Happy Birthday, my love.  I love you to infinitely and beyond.  I wish you were here to celebrate with us.  But we will celebrate without you, in our own subdued way, because you brought so many blessings to our lives and you deserve to be celebrated.